Understanding
by bonechick3
Summary: A year. They have been broken up for a year, and it has been hell on them both. What happens when they run into each other though? Will questions be answered or will they let each other go again? (I know the summary is horrible but bear with me, the story is definitely better. :P) Future fic


Chapter 1

_**This one is definitely different from what I normally write, but it wouldn't go away either. I own nothing but the plot though. :P Enjoy guys**_

They broke up for the normal reasons, he pushed her too hard, she couldn't see passed her own insecurities to see how much he loved her. Ya know the normal stuff. The fight had been horrible, both pressing the buttons they could to destroy the other, and both succeeding at it.

That had been a year ago though, and she never recovered. No relationships, no love, nothing. LA held a lot of opportunity for her, but it was hallow, always reminding her of him. Sure, her friends tried to help her, blind dates, movies, and lots of alcohol became her weekend ritual, but it all reminded her of him.

Putting down the picture of them she had been looking at, Beca Mitchel fought to hide the tears that fell, wondering once again why she couldn't have just let him in. Her thoughts were drawn away as an eerily recognizable voice came from the door to her work office. "You still have that?"Her heart flew to her throat as she turned around slowly, breaths coming in short gasps.

She kept her eyes trained on the ground, unwilling to look up past his shoes. As long as she didn't see him, he wasn't really there right? "Seriously, why do you still have that picture…and why are you crying?" His voice sounded shocked if not a little worried as she watched his feet tread closer into her office.

"What are you doing here? How did you…" her voice trailed off as she quickly stuffed the picture back into the drawer it had come from. "Why are you here Jesse?" She let her eyes snap to his then, fighting the intense pain she felt at seeing his face. A war was roaring throughout her mind. All she wanted was to jump into his arms and take everything she had said back, but she couldn't. Scanning carefully, she noticed the same battle in his brown orbs.

"You…I didn't know you would be here. I didn't know you worked here." He took a deep breath, trying to understand what he had just walked into. She had been crying over a picture of them, a pain in her eyes he never thought he would see. "Apparently you are producing a song I am using to score a movie." He took another step into the room, trying to fight the urge to crush her into his arms. The last year had been hell without her. The feelings he thought were fading had never been stronger. "Beca…"

"Jesse, I can't do this. I'm sorry…I can't work with you." More tears fell from her eyes as she went to stand. "I'll grab Kirsten for you. She's great! I just…I can't do this." Wiping at her eyes quickly, she went to move past him and out of the room, hoping to get anywhere away from him.

She made it to the street before the pain stopped her, the tears still flowing as memories of them came flashing into her mind. 'Why is he here now? Why now' A hand wrapped around her waist and pulled her into a strong chest before she made it to her car.

"Don't run Beca." His voice stifled the scream that had appeared in her throat. Her heart pounding. Tilting her head up to look at him, he wiped her tears gently and led her to a bench about ten feet away, sitting her down next to him. "Can we talk?"

She nodded slowly, her mind reeling from the last few minutes. "Bec, are you okay?" His eyes were full of concern for her, his hands itching with the need to wrap around her again.

"Yeah, I just…I got caught up in memories." She was playing with her hands, doing everything she could to avoid looking at him. "I'm sorry you saw that, I don't make it a habit of crying in my office." He laughed, a grin forming on his face as he looked at her. Beautiful.

Looking closely he could see how hard this last year had been on her, even though she had been successful with work. Her skin was pale, and she had obviously not been sleeping well, the bags under her eyes betraying how much pain she was really in. Still, he couldn't help but think that she was the most beautiful girl he had ever known, and how much he still loved her. "What memories?" Although he knew the answer, he needed to hear it from her.

She let out a gasp, clenching her fingers together stiffly. "Us. You walking away, me not fighting harder, the…regret at never telling you-" her voice trailed off as she realized where her thoughts were heading. Standing quickly, she made to walk away. "I've got to go." With a quick grasp of her hand he tugged her back down and forced her to look in his eyes.

"No. Beca…never telling me what?" Pain shown on his face as he searched hers, looking for a sign of anything. He didn't even know what he was doing. Everything had come rushing back when he walked into her office, and it was time to end all of this.

"I…I…" Tears streaked down her cheeks again as she thought of the three words she had wanted to say. She couldn't now though, she couldn't admit to loving him when he was gone, it would just make it worse. Looking into his eyes she saw her own anguish reflected back at her. Had he been in as much pain as she was?

"Look, this is really probably not the place for this is it?" His voice was soft and gentle. The pain he had seen in her eyes shocking him to his core. "We need to talk, I want to talk to you but…why don't you come back to my apartment? Benji is at work and it'll be less open than a street bench." He took her hand as she nodded weakly, furiously wiping away the tears with her other hand.

They made it back to his place in complete silence, neither really knowing what to say. This was going to go one of two ways, and both were anxious. As he opened the door and led her over to the couch, he realized she was lost in thought again and felt his heart pound. "_What was she going to say? Why am I doing this? She doesn't love me, I just…I don't like seeing her hurt like this."_ Sitting down next to her, he tilted her face towards his and stared into her eyes trying to decide how to begin. She beat him to it though.

"Okay. I am going to tell you some things, and you aren't going to talk yet." Her voice was shaky as her eyes dropped to her hands again. "I guess the best place to start is the fight." Taking a deep breath she stood and started pacing, sitting was just making things too difficult.

"I know why you left, and I'm sorry for what I said about you. I'm sorry that I pushed you away. I'm sorry that I didn't chase after you; that I didn't fight for you. I was wrong." Her eyes were watering again and it took everything he had not to pull her into his arms. "I should have told you how I feel. I should have told you that I loved you, that I still do, but I couldn't." His gasp went completely unnoticed by her, her mind lost in the words pouring out of her mouth. "I guess it probably doesn't matter now though. I lost you because I couldn't let you in. I lost you because I couldn't tell you the truth, but for what it's worth…I'm so sorry Jesse." With a sob she turned to go to the door. She had no intention of hearing the words she knew were coming from him. She already understood that sorry wasn't good enough, hearing it from him might just kill her.

Jumping up from the couch, he blocked the door before she could open it. "Whoa, I don't think so." He was glaring at her now, a harshness to his voice she had never heard before. Still, below it was a concern and a hope she knew all too well, a softness she used to rely on. "You don't get to say all of that and then just rush out of here. You don't get to tell me the words I have spent the last 5 years longing to hear from you, only to run out before I can do anything."

"Look, I know it's too late already. I know you hate me now and that I…wait what?" Her eyes snapped to his as she registered what he had said, a gleam in his look she couldn't quite place. "What?" She didn't understand. He should be yelling right now right?

"You don't always get to run Mitchel. You definitely don't get to this time. I don't understand why you couldn't just let me in before. I don't understand why you pushed me away so hard before, but I am not letting you go again. I found you again, and you love me…I can't lose you again." His breath was raspy as he crushed her into his arms, finally feeling like the world was right.

She inhaled deeply, a sense of home flooding her senses, making her forget the past year had even happened. He still loved her. He wanted her still, even if she didn't understand why. She wrapped her hands around his neck; letting all of the heartbreak she had been feeling wash away.

"I love you Bec… I came back you know." She gasped against his chest, tensing in his arms as he continued to speak. "It took me a couple of days, but I came back. You were gone though. You had left already and no one knew how to get a hold of you. I looked for months, I waited…but you never came home." She felt the tears land in her hair as he held her to him like a life line.

"I love you too." Looking up into his face again, she found his eyes, trying to show him just how serious she was. "Jesse, are you really here?" She sounded so vulnerable, a sound he had never heard from her before.

"I'm really here Baby, and I'm never walking away again." Leading her over to the couch he placed a gentle kiss to her forehead as she sat curled beside him, the world finally feeling right again.

They sat for what felt like hours, talking about what their lives had been for the last 12 months, glossing over anything that could bring them back to the fight that had nearly lost them both everything. He told her about how he had gotten a promotion and was now the head of his department. He talked about life with Benji and how he had run into Bumper on multiple occasions. She talked about work at her label and the joys of living on her own. She told him of the bands she was working with and of how she was composing her own stuff again, promising to show it to him later. The conversation continued well into the night before they found themselves curled up together on his bed, her head resting against his chest and his arm wrapped around her, Breakfast Club playing on the TV in his room and them both quoting lines and smiling.

It was as if the last year had never happened and neither felt the pain they had carried for so long. Taking a deep breath, she squeezed his hand gently and burrowed a little deeper into his chest. "I have something for you." He looked down at her startled, curiosity shining on his face.

"What?" She smiled gently into his skin before getting up quickly and walking to the living room, him following her closely as she found her purse and began digging through it.

"I said I have something for you." Pulling a piece of paper from her bag, she walked over and placed it in his hand. "I promised myself if I ever saw you again I would give you this. Go ahead and read that okay? Do you mind if I use your shower?" She seemed nervous so he just nodded sitting on the couch as she walked away towards the bathroom.

Opening the paper, he looked down to see what it was.

_Jess,_

_I am probably never going to get to give you this, but I wrote it anyway just in case. More likely than not, if I don't run into you randomly I'll get this to you through one of our friends eventually. You deserve to know the truth, even if I'm to chicken to tell you._

_I'm so sorry. I should have told you that night how much you mean to me. I should have told you how much I love you and always will, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't let you in, and it's time you know why._

He gasped as he heard the water start in the shower. This was very Beca, giving him this while she had the ability to hide. Still, he would take anything he could get. Was she letting him in? Is that what this was?

_I once told you that my parents' divorce damaged me and gave me my wonderful walls. Well, that is partially true. The other 90% of it came from a guy named Nolan. I know I have never told you about him, and I'm sorry for that too. I'm sure by the end of this I will have said that many times._

_I met him when I was a little girl and we became really close friends. Seriously, we shared everything. His mom babysat me, mine him too. His dad was my soccer coach…basically we were inseparable, and I shared everything I had with him. He was my best friend._

_Well, we ended up realizing what we felt was stronger than friendship about the same time we realized there was a difference between us, and we ended up dating, and it was amazing. I shared everything with him. My hopes, my dreams, my fears…everything, and he did the same. I trusted him with my soul._

_Unfortunately, he destroyed it all. You see, he was a year older than me and so he left for college first. We stayed together though, and he would come back to visit all of the time. It really wasn't so bad, phones make it not so hard to communicate anymore, but it wasn't enough for him I guess._

_About a month before I graduated from high school, prepared to join him, I walked into school and was immediately called into the office to speak with one of the counselors. I had no idea what was going on but I figured it had to do with a scholarship or something. Yeah…that was definitely not it._

His eyes burned into the page as he read; wrapping his mind around this part of his Love he had never known. Understanding reached his heart and he gripped the page tighter. "Oh Becs…"

_As I walked into her office, he was sitting there with his mother, all of their faces sad. He led me into another room after the counselor told me him and I needed to talk. I was confused but figured it would be fine. As I sat down, another girl walked into the room and sat down next to him, a look of worry on her face. _

_I can remember looking at him in confusion and then him talking. He told me about how he had made a mistake. He had cheated on me with this girl while away at school, and she was now pregnant. He told me they were keeping the baby, and that he had been trying for months to figure out how to break up with me._

_My heart had stopped, and my world had crashed apart. I slapped him and ran from the room and out of the building, although I really didn't have any idea where to go. Which is how I ended up at Barden. See, I wasn't originally going to go there…I was going to California with him. I had applied for my Dad's benefit but it wasn't what I wanted. _

_The last person I told I loved them shattered me. He broke me and, although I knew you weren't the same, I was too afraid to let you in that last little bit._

_Hopefully one day you can forgive me. Hopefully this lets you understand. I should have told you before, but now you know._

_Always,_

_Beca_

Tears streamed down his face as he dropped the letter to the floor, pulling his shirt over his head as he made his way towards the bathroom. The need to wrap her in his arms was unbearable, and so he walked in, stripping the last of his clothes as he got to the shower. Stepping in he pulled her against his chest quickly, planting a kiss to her shoulder. "Oh Beca…oh my sweet Beca."

"I will never do that to you. I will never hurt you like that." As he nuzzled her shoulder he pulled her in tighter, letting his breath fan across her ear. "I love you so much, and I am never letting you go again."

She turned in his arms, kissing his chest softly and wiping away his tears as the water cascaded down onto them both. "I love you too."

_**So this one is very special to me, and I am pretty happy with how it came out so far. There is definitely a little more to it to come, but it really isn't going to be a long story, probably only two or three more chapters. What did you guys think?**_


End file.
